Naivety World

I have been thinking about this story for a whole month now. I would have gladly let it go if it didn’t keep popping into the forefront of my mind and driving me insane. I can’t stop thinking about him. Can’t stop thinking about his buff chest and broad shoulders. I bet they’d be pretty sturdy for me to lean on. But urgh, I don’t want these thoughts. Because it means the next time I see him, I’ll be knee deep in fantasies of how great he is, instead of actually being present and experiencing what it feels like to be in his presence. I have accidentally blended my favorite book boyfriends with him, giving him a personality that surely can’t be his. Or can it?

Is it just me, or have you ever experienced that? Having the briefest of moments with someone you like, who says all the right things at the right time, and when you part ways, they turn from human to perfection in your head. “Don’t meet your heroes,” they said. But he is not my hero; he was just a man to me, someone I saw more as a friend than a lover. I don’t know at which point that changed. It might have been through his thoughtful texts and conversations. The way he is happy for me for my minute milestones, the way he sounds so relaxed and carefree with me. When did I do this double take and see him as someone other than a friend? When did his smile become so alluring to me?

Dear Lord, not this again. I seem to have a masochistic heart, that is quick to forget and quick to turn the unknown into….idealization. My mind, on the other hand, is comfortable taking the backseat on this one just to see where this is going. In the meantime, it’s filling the gaps and blind spots with all the things I like, all the things I would expect my man to be capable of, all the passionate moments and messy apologies, because risk management has to be somewhere in there.

But of all the small mundane things I could come up with, I can’t help but think about what it’d be like to be kissed by him. How will his lips feel on mine? Will they be firm and unyielding or will they yield to my touch? Will he pull me closer, or will it be a tentative exploration, each kiss a question?

Even as these thoughts swirl around in my mind, I know that my fantasies, though intoxicating, are keeping me from reality. I should let go of these imagined perfections and see him for who he truly is. Reality might surprise me. And even if it doesn’t, at least I’ll be living in the moment rather than a dream. After all, the beauty of the unknown lies in its unpredictability, and that’s where the real magic happens.